How to become a Calvinist in 5 easy steps - by Jesse Johnson

Found here. Our comments in bold.

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There is a air of smug condescension in this article unbefitting a minister of the Gospel. We have numbered each instance. 

And we would ask, why would we need to become Calvinists? The author presents this as if he is seeking converts. But he never says why it's important or even relevant. This is important. What is the practical use of Calvinism? It changes no obligation to lead a holy life, to be a light, to serve one another, to be generous, to worship, or to grow in maturity of faith. None of these things are impacted by Calvinism. 

Further, the author doesn't quote a single Scripture. Not even a syllable.

Worst of all, the author doesn't do what the title promises. He doesn't actually explain how to become a Calvinist, let alone why one should want to.

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In my pastoral ministry, I’ve noticed a surprising trend. People I meet who have become passionate about the 5-points of Calvinism generally followed the same path to get there. While it’s not the path I would have expected, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, because it does in fact line up with my own personal experience.

So, to save you time, I reduced this process down to five (of course) easy-to-follow steps. Do you want to become excited about the sovereignty of God over salvation, find TULIPs in every field, and radically embrace the historic doctrines of soteriology held by nearly everyone with even moderately good theology throughout church history? No? (Condescension # 1: People who aren't Calvinists don't have even moderately good theology.)

Well, you are in luck, because that’s where we start:

1). Start in a church that doesn’t teach God’s sovereignty. By this, I don’t mean find a church that just teaches the Bible without constantly identifying which part of TULIP it is. Slow down. You’ll end up there. For now, start your journey in a church with 20 minute sermons. A church that thinks election is something that happens every four years in November. You really need to find a church that tells you “stay away from theology! It’s dangerous.” (Condescension #2: People who don't believe Calvinism are stupid and shallow.)

If you want to stick to this process, you need to start in a church that tells you something like “God doesn’t choose who is going to get saved! That’s crazy talk.” If the pastor happens to read Ephesians 1 or Romans 9, (We've discussed both of these passages at length here, here, here, here, and here. And, we actually quote the Bible.)

you need some kind of explanation like this: “When the Bible says ‘predestination’ it means: God casts one vote, Satan casts one vote, and each person gets to cast the deciding vote.” If you find a church where the pastor holds out a pen, and says “if God was sovereign he’d stop him from dropping the pen,” then he drops the pen, in a sermon, then you have found a good place to start. (Condescension #3: Arguments against Calvinism are superficial and ridiculous.)

2). “Accidentally” encounter Calvinism. Don’t worry about the use of “accidentally” yet. After step 5 you’ll stop using that word, but at this point, it’s still allowed. Maybe you stumble across a Jonathan Edwards sermon in school, or maybe you find a MacArthur YouTube clip. Maybe a friend gives you a Spurgeon sermon without carefully screening it first. Whatever it is, read it, listen to it, then get angry at it. Get mad. Yell at the book/video. “What about those who have never heard the gospel!!! It’s not F-A-I-R.” Something like that. The key is to get mad enough that step 3 becomes inevitable. (Condescension #4: People who don't believe in Calvinism are irrational and are only able to react emotionally.)

3). Someone gives you a book to “help” you understand what you just read that made you mad. Like a small group leader from church, or one of your parent’s friends. Ideally this book would be called something like “Calvinism exposed!!!” This book has to–and this is not negotiable–it has to tell you that Calvinism is not compatible with evangelism or missions. Extra points if it tells you that predestination is not true because Calvin burned people at the stake like Americans in the 1690’s. Plus John Wesley had a bad marriage. At this step, the more absurd, the better. It all sets you up for step 4. (Condescension #5: People who don't believe in Calvinism can only argue absurd ancillary issues.)

4). Ok, you realize that many famous evangelists were Calvinists, that Calvinism actually fueled global missions, that Calvin himself came 1500 years after Ephesians 1, and that Wesley wasn’t even a Calvinist anyway. Basically you figure out that there might be some logical problems with the book you just read. So at this point you go looking for something more helpful. Now, and I can’t emphasize this enough, you need to find a book that claims to offer a better way than Calvinism. Maybe even a “both/and” approach. If it involves the phrase “4-point Calvinism,” even better. Ideally you would get something like Norm Geisler’s Chosen but Free, or The Five Points of Calvinism by Bryson. Read it. Read it again. Take notes. Devour it. Read it like its true. Try to drink it all in. After all, at this point you still don’t want to become a Calvinist. Gross. (Condescension #6: People who don't believe in Calvinism can only react viscerally, and have unresolved cognitive dissonance.)

Ok, did you read Chosen but Free (or something like it)? Great. Now see how long you can hold on to it.

The truth is, those books don’t work. While they may acknowledge the tension between freedom and sovereignty, they don’t really formulate any kind of way to hold them in tension as much as try to convince you to down play sovereignty while holding onto “free will.” They never sensibly even answer the question “free from what?” In short, you can’t stay here. Most people will tap out here, and just determine not to think about it ever again. (Condescension #7: People who don't believe in Calvinism simply don't bother to think things through.)

But not you! Instead, this is the moment you have been waiting for and building toward. All your hard work is about to pay off:

5). Read something good that explains Calvinism…by a Calvinist… and land the plane. Grab The Potter’s Freedom and enjoy James White dismantling Chosen but Free. Snag Slave, by John MacArthur, and let the metaphors of the Bible grab your heart. Want something shorter? Try JI Packer’s Evangelism and the Sovereignty of God. Oh, oh, oh, here is a free resource: John Piper’s What we Teach about the Five Points of Calvinism. Are sermons your preferred medium? Then try this 10-part series by MacArthur. Did you read Bryson? In this debate, White dynamites that book into space. Want something safer? Here is Boice and Ryken with a slow and winsome walk through the TULIP field. Read, and watch the daisies in your heart slowly change to TULIPS. (The author ends with his final advice: Don't read the Bible, read Calvinists.)

Well, if you have followed all these steps, you should have arrived at the finish line. I know, I know, you finished this process and came out a Calvinist, which was the very thing you wanted to avoid at the beginning. But it’s ok. God means it for your good and his glory.