I was at the supermarket the other day, having just completed a legal, willing exchange of things of value. For $2.99 I got my box of Chester Fried, acquired without government intervention.
As I made my way to the exit I heard someone call out, “Say, are you that fellow who writes…” His voice trailed off as he looked furtively over each shoulder. Apparently satisfied he had aroused no suspicions, he came closer. Leaning toward me conspiratorially, he began again: “Are you that fellow who writes columns for the Chronicle?” He glanced around again as if we were engaging in a medical marijuana purchase. I told him I was.
“I really like what you write,” he said. “All my friends love your stuff. Keep it up. My name is John.” We exchanged in the Eeevil Extremist Conservative Secret Handshake, clasping right hands and moving them up and down in unison three to five times.
“I’m Rich, glad to meet you,” I said. “Thanks for saying something. It means a lot.” I was a bit more at ease, now that I knew he belonged. Nevertheless, I still kept my radar up. Infiltrators are everywhere.
We began our Eeeevil Extremist Conservative Code-Speak. “There are lots of patriots (Translation: People who agree with us) out there who are fed up with the government spending money like drunken sailors on shore leave (Let’s cut crucial services so the elderly will starve),” John whispered. “I don’t like Obama’s programs (Black people are ruining this country).”
John’s eyes darted to and fro. “It’s dangerous to be talking this way.” He shifted uneasily on his feet.
I tried to be reassuring. “This is America (We hate immigrants). We are still a free country (Slavery, the good old days),” I said. “All we can do is keep telling our side (Keep hysterically shouting, but offer no solutions). People are starting to wake up (Stupid people are joining us).”
John seemed to perk up. “Yeah, a lot of people are finally deciding to take a stand (We are hypocrites who had nothing to say about the past 8 years).” “I really think the TEA party is going to make a difference (with all the funding from shadowy right wingers).”
“Have you been to any TEA party events (Did you have enough Obama = Hitler signs)?” I asked. “Yeah, a couple,” John said. “It was kinda neat to protest government, like they did back in the sixties (As long as we are all white).”
“Why do they think that government can solve economic problems by doing even more of what got us into this mess (We're against the minimum wage in order to keep minorities in poverty)?” I asked. John replied, “I dunno. Do they really think we are that stupid (Glenn Beck is god)?”
I started leaning towards the door. “It was good to meet you,” I said, "and keep on believing (Keep working towards theocracy)".
John’s voice returned to normal. “It was good to meet you, too,” He said. Sotto voce again, he whispered, “What are you going to write about next (How are you going to advance corporate interests at the expense of workers)?”
I thought a moment. “Well, maybe I’ll write about the secret code language conservatives supposedly use.” John replied, “Oh, you mean like, ‘Big city problems coming to Montana?’”
“Yeah, like that,” I said. “Did you know that somehow means blacks are moving in?” He answered, “No, I didn’t. (I’ll have to update my secret decoder ring).”
“Me either.” We exchanged another Eeevil Extremist Conservative Secret Handshake, and John made his way towards the cheap wine section.
Wait a minute, he only shook twice. Infiltrators are everywhere…
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