Do we still need to forgive even if they never apologize? - by Dr. Guy Richard

Found here. Our comments in bold.

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This author has a lot to say about forgiveness and repentance, but precious little Scripture is provided. In fact, only part of one Scripture is even quoted.

His objective is to suggest that forgiveness is contingent on repentance. He never demonstrates this.

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In my last post, I argued that Jesus’s whole point in telling the “Parable of the Unforgiving Servant” was to say to Peter (and to you and me by extension) that we shouldn’t have to ask how many times we should forgive someone when they sin against us. Knowing that we are like the first servant in the parable who was forgiven a debt he could never repay, we are to stand ready, willing, and able to forgive others no matter how often they may hurt us or how great the pain they may cause. Forgiveness is not optional for us as Christians. We are to forgive others in direct proportion to the forgiveness we have received from God. But if all of that is true, as I certainly believe it is, it inevitably raises the question as to whether or not we are obligated to forgive those who hurt us even if they never apologize or seek our forgiveness. Are we as Christians to supposed to keep on forgiving others no matter what?

Forgiveness is relational

The short answer to this question is no; we are not called to forgive others “no matter what.” One of the reasons we know this is true is because, as we have previously said, forgiveness is always a relational category. (Where has he previously said this? Well, here, in an article from two months ago. This is a key component of his argument, yet we are forced to comb the archives to locate it.

Further, he uses the word "always," but never makes a case for this. And in fact, he will later concede there exists a category of people with whom one cannot reconcile. He does not provide an adequate explanation for what to do with this.)

It is never an end in itself in the Bible (A Bible he rarely quotes. We would suggest that forgiveness can indeed be an end to itself, because holding back forgiveness results in bitterness and resentment. Let's consider this verse:

Mt. 6:12 Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.

"Forgive" is aphíēmi (from 575 /apó, "away from" and hiēmi, "send") – properly, send away; release (discharge). The act of forgiving is to release or discharge from obligation. But the author would have it that the other party has an obligation that must be performed to receive forgiveness. This is unbiblical.)

but always a means to the end of reconciliation (see my earlier posts on forgiveness). A relationship has been broken, and it needs to be restored. It cannot be restored, however, until and unless the sins that have caused the break have been dealt with. Once these sins have been forgiven, the relationship can be restored to its original condition. (Ah, so his argument is that because Jesus requires repentance to forgive our sins, our forgiveness functions similarly. Further, forgiveness facilitates reconciliation, and reconciliation is the restoration of relationship.

The author does not document any of these claims with Scripture.)

The relational nature of forgiveness means that we have no obligation to forgive someone with whom we do not have a relationship. (This is a substantial claim, left undocumented. The author is deriving this logical deduction based on a premise and a series of other logical deductions. Unfortunately for the author, if the premise or any of the proceeding logical deductions are flawed, then his conclusion if flawed. And it is indeed flawed.

If it is true that we do not have an obligation to forgive someone with whom we do not have a relationship, then it must also be true that someone cannot sin against us if there is no relationship. This of course is false. There are all sorts of sins committed against us by strangers, acquaintances, or even enemies where there is no and never will be relationship.

Further, there is no Bible verse that tells us we don't have to forgive those with whom we have not relationship. In fact, we are commanded to make peace with our adversaries:

Lk. 12:58 As you are going with your adversary to the magistrate, try hard to be reconciled to him on the way...

The author seems to be working hard to excuse us from being forgiving.)

That is because there is actually no way for us to forgive in this case, because genuine forgiveness—at least in the way that the Bible talks about it—is always unto the restoration of a relationship. (Undocumented claim.)

And this is impossible if there isn’t a relationship to begin with. (Undocumented claim.)

There should no doubt be something akin to forgiveness that takes place in these kinds of situations. We ought not harbor bitterness and anger toward people for the things that they do to us, even if we don’t have relationships with them. (Bitterness and anger arise from unforgiveness. Therefore, forgiveness must happen regardless of relationship. The author has just contradicted himself.)

We need to let go of the hurts that strangers may cause so that they don’t consume us or eat us up on the inside. But we can’t forgive them really and truly, because forgiveness is always unto the restoration of a relationship, and, if there isn’t any relationship to restore, then there cannot be any forgiveness. (The author has now completed his series of flawed logical deductions, leading him to an egregious false conclusion. However, he cannot lay his finger upon any Scripture that tells us we don't have to forgive strangers or enemies. All he can do is make suppositions and inferences.)

Forgiveness sometimes requires confronting others

The relational nature of forgiveness also means that we have no obligation to forgive someone who does not apologize and seek our forgiveness for whatever hurt he or she has caused. This is because genuine forgiveness is impossible without both sides participating. One side must apologize and be willing to seek forgiveness and the other side must be willing to forgive. (None of these undocumented assertions are true. There is no Bible verse that teaches any of these things. In fact, it is antithetical to the Gospel that someone would have to earn forgiveness.

That is essentially what the author is teaching, that forgiveness is earned.)

Without both of these things happening, reconciliation is unattainable.

We all know that a one-sided relationship is a contradiction in terms. Every relationship, by definition, involves two people, which means that reconciling the relationship requires two people as well. It doesn’t matter how willing one party may be to forgive if the other party is unwilling to acknowledge wrongdoing and to apologize and seek forgiveness. Restoration cannot happen until both parties want it and work for it. (Restoration? But what about forgiveness?)

What this indicates is that in order for forgiveness and reconciliation to take place, it may be necessary for us to confront those who have offended us if they are not apologetic on their own and don’t seek forgiveness of their own accord. This is not optional for us as Christians, because being in right relationships with one another isn’t optional for us (for more on this, see my first post in this series, “Why Should I Forgive?”). The ideal situation, obviously, is for those brothers or sisters who offend us to be walking closely enough with the Lord that they see and are convicted of their sins without anyone having to confront them. But, when that doesn’t happen, the Bible calls us to let them know that they have hurt us and to call them to repentance.

This is precisely what Jesus challenges us to do in Luke 17:3, when He says: “If your brother sins [against you], rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” (Our first Scripture, finally.)

Here, Jesus is telling us that our brother or our sister—i.e., one with whom we have a relationship—must apologize and seek our forgiveness. That is the goal of the “rebuking” we are to give. And once our brother or our sister has “repented,” we are to forgive him or her so that our relationship might be restored, even if that means the process of rebuking, repenting, and forgiving must be done “seven times in the day” (v. 4). Reconciliation requires both parties actively working to secure genuine forgiveness even if the same offenses are being committed against us over and over again. (Notice that the author acknowledges a key component in this scenario, "If your brother sins..." This places forgiveness in a very specific context, which does not account for how non-brothers are to be forgiven. And, the author omits a part of the verse:

So watch yourselves.

This is our second contextual clue, the verse is about the forgiver, not the perpetrator. 

• First, this means it's about brothers in Christ
• Second, repentance is not the focus, forgiveness is. 
• Third, forgiveness is not contingent on repentance, rather, it is our obligation when there is repentance and must not be withheld.)

Forgiveness doesn’t mean we allow ourselves to be mistreated continually

Brothers and sisters who sin against us and “repent” will do more than say the right words, however. They will also be genuinely sorry (from the heart) for what they have done and grieved over the pain that they have caused. But, what is more, if they are truly sorry for hurting us, they will also want to do whatever they can to ensure, as much as possible, that they don’t do the same things all over again. (This is all true, of course. But it does not justify the creation of a checklist for our forgiveness to be rendered.)

If, for instance, we know that we are prone to throwing bowling balls in the gutter, and we refuse to put up the guard rails that the bowling alley provides or to take bowling lessons, we know that we are not really grieved over our tendency to throw gutter balls and are not really serious about keeping it from happening again. Likewise, brothers and sisters who aren’t willing to do whatever they can to change aren’t really grieved over what they have done and aren’t really serious about amending their hurtful behavior. (Again, true. But our obligation to forgive does not empower us to be evaluators of the quality of the repentance.)

What I am trying to say here is that even though Jesus calls upon us to forgive our brothers and sisters “seven times in the day” (so long as they repent), this doesn’t mean that we are to allow ourselves to be mistreated. (Where in the Bible would we find this?)

It is appropriate for us to put some “guard rails” in place or to talk with brothers and sisters who hurt us about steps that they can take to ensure that they don’t continue to do the same things over and over again. (Where in the Bible would we find this?)

That might mean seeing a counselor. It might mean reading a book together that deals with the situation. Or it might mean agreeing to walk away from conflict for a short time in order to allow cooler heads to prevail later. The point is that we are called upon to forgive brothers and sisters who repent, but true repentance will be grieved over the hurt that has been caused and will want to take steps to ensure that the hurt is not repeated time and time again. (Where in the Bible would we find this?)

It also needs to be said that although we may forgive every hurt immediately upon repentance, that doesn’t mean that restoration will always follow immediately in every situation. Some hurts are so wounding that they may well require an extended period of time before the relationship can be fully restored. In some cases, healing will just take longer because the wounds are deeper. In some cases, trust will need to be rebuilt. The important thing is not the time that restoration takes, but the fact that progress is actually being made toward it. Restoration of the relationship is the end goal, no matter how long it takes for us to get there. Forgiveness and repentance are the necessary—and incredibly difficult—means to achieving the far more glorious end of relational unity.